I HAVE A.S.
I have a disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis
However it seems nobody knows or agrees about what it is
And I have to try to decide what doctor or article I believe more
Very often I come to terms with something only to find out later they were wrong
Everyone offers me advice or what they would do but rarely offer me compassion
And often they distance themselves or walk away because of the changes in me
Nothing hurts more than that because I am not in control of what this disease does to me
Kindness and understanding are the rarest gifts given to me though I try my best to give
You have no idea how hard I fight every day not to be bitter but the hardest fight is to
Love myself because this disease is robbing me of my value in society
Oh, some will argue with me about that but in the quiet of the night I know it’s true
So, each day despite the pain, depression and struggles I live behind a mask
I smile through the pain, battle through thoughts of suicide, living a lie
Not many people care, they half listen and nod absently while I try so hard to
Get them to HEAR me, just to acknowledge my pain and I need them to
Show me that it doesn’t matter that some days I am not the COOKIE you used to know
Prove to me that I am valuable and that you want me in your life
Otherwise why am I fighting to live a life that is so difficult and painful
No one wants this life, no one expects this life, but this is the one I have
Don’t you understand how much I want to be normal. do you have any clue
You don’t realize I am risking death from the side effects of drugs just so I can be
Like you… normal, happy, without pain and free to just be….
I want to be FREE of pain, thoughts of suicide, depression and judgement
To be able to just jump out of bed in the morning, and begin my day
I don’t want to have the THINK out my every move, so I don’t cause any MORE pain
So, just treat me the way you want me to treat you, Kindness goes a long way for AS
In honor of Michael Smith and his creation of April Awareness Month, in honor of all of those who lost their battle, are battling and will battle this invisible disease and will one day say I have a disease called Ankylosing Spondylitis.
