It has taken me a long time to even attempt to write this. It feels a little daunting. How do you explain a life you once had planned out. Like some cantankerous old man with all his preferences and quirks. It’s kind of like my friend said “You planned to go to Venice and you ended up in Timbuktu instead” CHANGE IN PLANS.
Only it’s not quite that simple. How do you explain something that took away the life you had? It left the shell of you, so your friends, family and co-workers still see you there. Most of them still think it’s you. But it’s a pod-person. You look out through your eyes. Those blasted eyes – they well up all too easy these days, Truth is I want to keep my mouth shut and bear all of this in silence so that I can be “tough” —- but I’m not. And since this crap is genetic, I could leave a legacy that I woud never want to leave. My Dad was probably indirectly one of those losses. He couldn’t take anymore pain – physical or anything else, so he took his life.
I will try to do what I can to spare my children and grandchildren that pain and to stop this now – it is hurtful; still those of us that hurt understand how this mght have happened, and we pray that we are strong enough to endure for our family.
I thought about whether or not I wanted to share anything personal on the Internet, but it will be worth it if it brings some kind of underdstanding or kinship from someone else feeling the same way, but alone.
You are worth it. Tomorrow may or may not bring something different. Why not stick around and find out? It doesn’t mean it’s gonna be easy, but someone’s counting on you; whether it’s for a kiss or a cuddle or to lend an ear when they need it. Sometimes I need a reminder that life isn’t just about us. It’s not just about our hurts – it’s about theirs. Sometimes ours are just so intense that it’s hard to remember.
I’m hanging around and I’m doing my best – even though somedays that smile is plastered on a little crooked and I may need a little help getting through. Some days I’m still help for someone else.
Oregon, United States of America