A.S. Face 0063: Angie Boswell

Coping With The Struggles of Ankylosing Spondylitis & Depression

Three and half years ago, after years of going to doctors, I found that my chronic back pain was due to ankylosing spondylitis, a disease that causes the bones in my back to fuse together.  The songs I have decided upon describe what I have gone through with the symptoms of ankylosing spondylitis, depression, the medications and being ostracized due to ongoing health problems.

“Odd One” Tri-Polar Sick Puppies

“You live your life in your head, some call it imagination.”   The song is about being the odd one out, the unusual one. Depression can be a malevolent, appalling disease.  I have fought depression all of my life.  My depression has always caused me to withdraw with music and writing being the only things that made me happy.  Friends have accused me of literally living my life in my head because I do not share what I am going through.  I put on the mask of happiness to function but only find happiness when I am, in fact living in my head creating stories and music.

“Skin” This Is Gonna Hurt Sixx: A.M.

“Cause they don’t even know you, all they see is scars, they don’t see the angel living in your heart.”  This song is special to me because I am judged by what people see instead of getting to know me for whom I truly am. If you took the time you would find I do whatever I can for my friends and family. I pride myself on being a true friend to the end.  “ Rise above this, kill them with kindness, ignorance is blindness, they’re the ones that stand to lose.”

“Pain” One-X Three Days Grace

Adam Gontier wrote this song while dealing with his addiction to Oxycontin.  My favorite line of the song is “your sick of feeling numb.”  Both diseases require a multitude of medications in which you get to the point you do feel numb. No emotions, lack of liveliness and neglecting yourself and your loved ones.  Family and friends have no understanding of the relentless pain you feel daily and how the medications numb you to all aspects of life and the fear of becoming addicted to those medications.

“Xanaxtasy” Xanaxtasy-The Single Wednesday 13

At one point I was on 15 different medications. This song means so much to me because it is about the medication, the doctors giving it to you and the actual side effects they produce.  “ I’m taking funny pills from the white coat rabbit, they tell me I’m fine and away they send me, I’m out of my mind by 11:30.”  With all of the medications I didn’t know if I was coming or going. After a medication interaction nearly killed me, I quit taking all but three medications.

“My Dark Place Alone” Women and Children Last Murderdolls

This song speaks to the loneliness and darkness of having a debilitating disease, depression and trying to live a normal life. It is hard for someone to understand your pain when they have not experienced it. At one point, prior to being diagnosed with the spondylitis, I was shipped to so many doctors I was accused of pill seeking.  I was not.  I was left alone to deal with the agony and this song describes the torment perfectly.   It covers everything from being judged due to your medical problems, to the multitude of medication you have to take, all the way to the thoughts of suicide and the feelings of being inept.  “I sit here in my dark place alone.”

I WANT OUT!

A drug seeker is what they say, but they have no clue of how it plays.
Your body feels like it is ripping you apart.
They don’t have a clue what it feels like.
Your body fighting against you making your life a living hell.
Tears don’t f *cking help, nothing ends the pain but a gun.
How many of you have thought of that?
Anything to make the pain go away
Medications don’t work they only make it worse.
Excruciating pain, death has to be better than this.

A$$holes same calling, thinking they are better than you.
I wished the pills were for a high.
They are just able to help you move.
Can’t get out of bed without 15 pills to make your life better so they say.

F*cked  in the head, all about the $ signs.
No care for those who can barely move and are being eaten alive by their bodies.
I want to be stronger than this!
No meds to “make me better”.
Eating right, walking, yoga, all that bullshit and still nothing helps.
Who cares that you are in pain that makes you want to take your life?
No one.
It’s all about the prettiest, sexiest, the richest.

F*ck those who have chronic diseases that cause them to be disabled, that slowly destroys their lives.

F*ck  the world
I want out
Out of this hell, this hellish pain.
These hellish lies and liars, the a$$holess who THINK they are perfect!
I JUST WANT F*CKING OUT!!!!!

North Carolina United States of America

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8 Responses to “A.S. Face 0063: Angie Boswell”

  1. Angie – I love your story… I could have written that, and probably have not written my story yet because I would want to say the same things. Your right – I too want off the roller coaster – and no one cares, but I have had cops at my house 3 times in 10 months “to make sure I am not too sad” – ugh, I am just being honest, and the struggling is not fun, and being alone is a blessing and a curse for me. But … your words – are like a breath of fresh air this morning- and I thank you for that!

  2. Valerie Noel Wulf This story… was like a breathe of fresh air to me, my ribs are killing me with every tear and cough, my legs do not want to move to get a tissue, but my heart finally has found someone else who feels exactly like I do, and that is a beautiful relief. I just wish I had the answer for getting off the AS rollercoaster – hang in there everyone

  3. N. Sixx had a friend (Mick Mars) who had AS. I really like the song skin. Creative way to tell your story.

  4. I would like to thank everyone for the really nice compliments on my writing. I just wrote what I was feeling. Thank you all so very much.

  5. Dear Angie,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It was like a breath of fresh air. I loved it.
    Sincerely Cookie

  6. Murderdolls and Wednesday 13! Nice! I listened to them A LOT around the time I was diagnosed. I love how you use song lyrics to express what you were feeling at those times in you life. Music is such an amazing thing.

    Elizabeth: Mick Mars is an idol of mine. Every time I see footage of him on stage rocking out I feel inspired to keep going and never let AS stop me from doing the things I love. He has fought his demons that surfaced from having AS and won. I was in a bad place emotionally when I saw a documentary on VH1 about Motley Crue preparing for the reunion tour. That was when I found out about Mick Mars and his battle against AS. Watching Mick overcome his struggles was one of the things that pulled me out of my deep depression, and overcome my own struggles.

    • Yes, Abby, Mick Mars rocks (no pun intended). It is amazing how bad things got for him b/4 he got the help he needed. And yet, as you say, he’s won the battle he’s fought long and hard. Very inspiring.

  7. Murderdolls and Wednesday 13! Nice! I listened to them A LOT around the time I was diagnosed. I love how you use song lyrics to express what you were feeling at those times in you life. Music is such an amazing thing.

    Abby Lynch (@AbbyDLyn) said this on January 8, 2012 at 11:35 pm

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